So its 10 : 05 Now and i figure i cant sleep i might as well get a word in here. So i got my first visit with a nurse checking on me. Her job... im not entirely sure something to do with making sure i haven't snapped and left a house filled with dead people for the world to come clean up and considering its been 8 days since i was at the hospital i kinda have to wonder did they really think the bodies wouldnt smell that poor woman she is sent into the homes of crazy people to check and see that the crazy hasnt gotten worse i have to wonder just how scared she was walking through my door me having not taken a shower ( i thought she was going to come an hour later than she did she showed up an hour and almost a half EARLY) in my grubbies fighting with my oldest about how NO snowshoes ( his like 8 lb pet rock) was NOT to be tossed around like a toy ball and there was NO way this under rested mommy was going to play catch with a 2 year old and ....snowshoes >.< ;;
So the talking with some one i am not married to or have given birth to face to face was awesome up until i started bawling for really no reason we started talking about how i was stressed out. Its hard to fraudulently convince a nurse that you are superwoman and handling things perfectly when your husband is having troubles keeping the boys happy and they are STILL louder than the zoo and more active than midgets on speed. She noted that i attempted to keep a straight face and i think made it her goal to see me crack a little. And inevitably i did and when i did HOLY i have never felt so weird i mean when i was first in the hospital i cried sure but i had my husband there and when he wasnt there it was short visits and i was given some dignity i felt like a freak crying in my own home in front of a strange who came a hour early to a meeting so i wasnt ready at all talk about naked i was wearing my PJ top cleaning doing laundry and my hair OH my GOSH my hair was filled with lint from the laundry and i felt like such a slob. Heck i didnt even have makeup on and if you know me at all you know i HATE my face with no makeup, But eventually i gave up caring and that would be when i gave up every shred of dignity i swear that how it felt i wanted to tell this strange woman everything from having been sexually abused as a child to how i feel about cooking small meals and how frustrating that is and she kept pointing out that i was alone in Calgary i mean Yeah i kinda knew that about a day after getting here. I have no family here none they are all in Three Hills and apparently thats weird i should be close to some one either siblings or my parents Jebs parents Heck at this point she was wondering what would bring me out to the city at all and when i pointed out that it takes 3 hours off of my husbands work day and that i am a sucker for my man she kinda conceded the point that the move was really the only way to go if i wanted to have a successful relationship.
Outside of that i guess i should let you know that now when i do sleep i have some of the most retarded dreams and i shudder awake like i am falling off a cliff or something its weird. I had the weirdest dream that my parents came over and yelled at me for having just moved and instead of unpacking boxes i set up my Christmas tree the i would wake up freak out and go looking in the living room expecting to find this tree and there would be nothing This happened a few times in the course of the night than came the dreams of the people all standing in our front yard looking into our house that was just weird i felt like i was in a crappy reality show or something. Oh and when i shared that with the nurse she shakes her head haha i guess its always a scary thing when a meeting with a health professional ends with " I cant help you with what you really need and thats rest and some breaks from your beautiful children" Oh and i need to network with other mothers with kids the same age as mine and who might be able to support me. and all i keep thinking is how on earth do i do that stand on a corner and wait till i see some one with kids my childrens age? how was it done when my mother was a young mom? I get the feeling something incredible is missing here and then i remember back when i was little and my mom was busy mothering there was a much stronger sense of community there was none of this moving into a home and fighting to meet and speak to your neighbours they were at your home days after the move with introductions a possible invitation to coffee or heck the knowledge that if you ever ran out of sugar they were always there to be called on. Now a days when one is out of sugar one goes without there is no neighbourhood there is no comrade-ery at least its really hard to find the few neighbours we have had any connection with have been short lived and tend to grow cold when you are no longer in their immediate vicinity . Hell i just found out i have more family in this city and un-like their daughter they could really care less if they knew me or not its a bit shaking really to think people can just go on and not care i guess being lonely is weird to me i have never really been this cut off before and its annoying? hard? not impossible but difficult i guess.
But count my blessings right? i need to look on the bright side i used to be able to do that with out a second to think, list of good things that is but as of late its getting harder and harder I keep opening myself up to people and they keep shutting doors in my face its scary and hard and i am not used to this i mean what to do when a girl loses all faith in humanity? I guess i have to realize i have my husband a wonderful man who puts up with my flaws and two beautiful incredibly active boys and a very full life i love my family and always will..
